The Death Card

He gave in. The man let his standards fall because no one recognized his worth anymore. Actually, they recognized his worth. Those who have had contact with him have praised him, but they're not willing to pay what he's worth. A younger man is so much more functional to their business model. So he lowered his standards.

Initially I wondered what that was like. How does it feel to give in because standing up for yourself isn't getting you anywhere? But I know how that feels. It's like binding your arms in one huge knot. You have to escape yourself just to feel human.

I know how it feels because right now I'm caught up in my own nightmare. I've written a story that needs to be told, but the people who care about my success have told me I have to cut the heart out of my story because it's too confusing. There are too many things happening.

Then the Death card turned up on my Tarot deck.
I don't want to do this. If I cut her heart out, she will die. She will not be the dream I started so many years ago. She will have changed. The truth is, I know I will make the cuts that need to be made. Like the man who sliced off part of his jammed arm in order to survive, I will do what needs to be done to help my story.

I know all too well that the Death card does not mean death. It means change. Change is not a death sentence. It is an opportunity for a new life.

Have faith in that leap you're about to make

It’s the end of the school year, the time when seniors everywhere are deciding between staying near the comforts of home and taking a giant leap into the real world by going to college across the country. Sometimes, the decision is easy. Based on finances, they may be forced to stay near home or take the full scholarship to that university in another state, but it’s still scary. They are comfortable where they are now. They may not be happy, but this life is not scary.

For me, it was easy. When I was graduating high school my mother got a job working for the University of Miami. I had a quarter tuition scholarship and as an employee, Mom enjoyed an employee perk of a 75% tuition discount. It was a no-brainer to go to UM. It was also too easy. There’s something about shaking off all expectations and security blankets to step out on your own. It helps you grow up. It helps you get to understand yourself so much better.

There’s an old saying used when people are considering between two options: “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” Adults say that when they’re tempted to step out of their comfort zone into something different. It’s the safe answer that usually keeps people from trying new things. I’ve found myself repeating that saying often. There is a place for thinking that way. When your boss is a jerk and you’re considering quitting or taking another job, it’s good to think about the repercussions of the change. Will you find another job? Will you be able to continue paying your bills? Will you be forcing other people to drastically change their lives because of your little temper tantrum?

But that kind of thinking is not always the most productive. Maybe a drastic change is exactly what is needed.

Recently, two of my friends made drastic changes in their lives, and the effect was dramatic. They had both been going through the motions of life – not really living, just moving along and getting the job done. One decided to make a change and drop some responsibilities that had become mundane. She also bit the bullet and moved into a new apartment by herself. Another friend decided she needed to move back home and start life over again after a difficult two years. We went out the other day. Both of them were glowing with the excitement the change had brought into their lives. Sure, they’re apprehensive, but they’re excited, too.

I wonder, now, do the grown-up aspects of responsibilities and security take all the fun out of life? There’s got to be a way to make it all work. I think that’s why my husband and I eloped to Vegas for our 20^th Anniversary this year – I needed something different to break us out of the monotony of life, so we got an Elvis impersonator to renew our vows with us. We had so much fun that weekend that when life has thrown wads of, um, garbage in our faces since then we remember Elvis and smile.

Maybe the Elvis memory will be enough in the future, but I intend to remember the lessons I learn every year when my students head off to college. Sometimes a comfortable life may be enough, but there are other times, when we’re the most stuck and depression has become our only identifying characteristic, that the best thing to do is step into the frightening unknown and jump.